Maybe I’m Just Not Cut Out For This…
I’ve been thinking about the whole concept of dating, what that means, what it involves… and I’ve come to the conclusion I’m way too serious — about everything. I take my job seriously, I take being in a relationship seriously, I take all of that SERIOUSLY. And by seriously I don’t mean “seven deadly venoms” serious or anything morbid. I just take things really to heart and work hard at it. But dating… since I’ve never really done it in its conventional form, is a bit of an anomaly. It doesn’t follow the standard conventions of male-female interaction for me. Fundamentally, it’s so surface that it makes me wonder just how people DO it. You meet someone, you do the dinner/get-to-know-you deal, maybe you have sex depending on how liberal your view, and sometimes that’s the end of it. It’s truly bizarre. I dunno about anyone else, but I can’t find it in myself to be that… callous. There’s a lot of fronting in this game, and I don’t think I’m well equipped to handle it, nor do I really feel inclined to play things that way.
Being with someone, getting to know them is much more than just callous activity, at least for me it is. If I’m starting at getting to know you, to be a good friend at first, it holds much more weight to do so than just hooking up to hook up. I mean, where is the value in that? Clearly, I’m not made for this kinda thing. And to think, I only just STARTED this process a short while ago and already I’m disgusted with it. I know I have to entertain the idea more readily if I’m intent on finding someone to be my companion. I keep coming back to that fact: all I want is a companion, a guy to do things with and be with. I’m not looking for anything crazy, definitely not bleeding commitment and marriage, nothing like that. If the result down the road is that, that’s DOWN THE ROAD. Not right now. I’m interested in the journey, enjoying the view and the activity, doing good and fun things… not getting serious in that regard. But I can’t do that with every other Tom, Dick and Harry. If I do it, it will be with one person and only one. Serial dating is NOT for me. Unlike some people in my circle that do it easily and have no issue with it, I do. I just CAN’T. Frankly, I’m amazed at the people that can do it. I’m a sucker that way I guess: if I’m drawn to you in some inexplicable way, I’ll start to care. Human being that I am (GASP), yes, there is care that goes into the development of feelings and relationships with others – friends or romantic. We’re so used to tempering ourselves, holding back what we feel, that it becomes so automatic to have this defensive mechanism on 24/7. How can anyone see the genuineness that lives beneath? How can anyone be attracted to just the “defensive” view? This is the reason why I can’t; my feelings about things are entirely too honest and entirely too visible. I’m not done with dating per se, but I think I need to take a step back. This just isn’t working with my current mindset.