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What Must Be Done

Since my return from Japan, I have been sorely confused, about where my life is going among other things. Being in Japan was the stark reminder of the one thing I’ve always wanted but never achieved: to live in Japan and speak fluent Japanese. I’ve done so many of the things in my life for others: the college I went to, some of the jobs I’ve had… even culinary school was one of those things. While none of those decisions were necessarily bad ones, they were still not purely mine intended for my own happiness. Perhaps this sounds selfish, but I want to do what *I* want, not influenced by anyone else’s thoughts or feelings.

The funny thing though is that a lt of those things were things I wanted to do and even enjoyed. I’m just getting too old to not do the things I love most, and the clock is ticking. For the first time in my post-25 life, I have no obligations to anyone except my mother. And even she was concerned for me last weekend at how utterly distraught I felt.

Folks said this feeling would pass after a few days, that I would get back to normal. What is that exactly? I still feel as strongly as I did from last Saturday, if not worse because there’s nothing I can do about it right now. But there is something I can do: clean up loose ends and plan. I don’t know how long anything will take, even if I will be able to reach my ultimate goal…. but I have to try.

So, here’s the deal: I would still like to open my restaurant, but it might not be in the original vein I had considered. I’m going to get back into my Japanese study and writing – my two loves for as long as I can remember. I’m going to get into shape and lose thy weight I’ve been talking about for over 2 years now. I’m going to avoid negativity and surround myself with positive vibes and people. In order to do what must be done, I can have no other.

I’ve always had trouble following through on things for my own life. I can’t afford to waste any more time in “I wish” mode. In this respect, action is what matters. I will do my best.