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Haunted

I can’t sleep. I’m haunted by the many pressing things that are going on in my office right now. Its 5am and I’ve already been up an hour. I’ve even thought of just going in to work, but even I must admit that’s crazy. I know that when its all said and done, things will be okay for my office. Its right now that is difficult and trying. Everything is pressing and I’ve got a very short time to do a lot of work.

I’ve thought about what I personally could do to make things better. I always do. And I realize that many of the things are out of my control. I can oversee them, I can invest in them, but in the end, its the individual effort of others that will determine the outcome. For me, that’s a terrible position, not being able to have direct control over what an outcome is.

In the process, I’m making myself literally sick because of this. Yesterday, I went to see a nutritionist, and in blurting out my whole eating life, everything I do revolves around work. What kind of life/work balance is that? What kind of example do I set for the staff? I know desperate times call for desperate measure. Ok. But I don’t want this to kill me and this has been my MO job after job after job. I don’t know how to not be concerned or not care about what happens to my office and to my staff. They are MY staff. I take personal responsibility for them.

I hate admitting it, but I’m overwhelmed and afraid right now. Borderline overcooked, even after taking 2 days off, it took me 3 days (including the weekend) to start relaxing. At the rate I’m going, I’m gonna end up in the hospital. At least that way I won’t have to worry about working — I’ll have no choice but to be quiet.