Gosh, I’m a mess right now. Leave it to one stupid conversation about friends and thoughts about relationships have left me feeling jealous, upset, disappointed, frustrated, disgusted and downright troubled. It makes me question just what I’m about and it hurts me that I have been this way.
I’ve never really introduced my friends to each other. It isn’t something that I’ve really thought about either until the conversation came up today. Granted, I’ve entertained the idea and in a way it sounds appealing. But in the same turn, the thought of it kinda makes me nervous and turns my stomach. My big thing is that I can’t really relate to someone on a personal level if there’s all these people around. And the point Orlando brought up to me is that it’s about your friends interacting, not me interacting with them, per se. That made me think: am I so fixated on just having them to myself and not sharing them with others? They could easily be friends independently of me — is it my fear that they wouldn’t want to be friends with me anymore? I dunno.. it’s a weird feeling for me. I love my friends, I really do. Would do anything (within reason) for them.
So what is this feeling that makes me queasy at the thought of them meeting each other?! It’s so dumb.
And then there’s relationships… am I possessive like that? I remember when I was with Percell, he was constantly trying to introduce me to new people and I was so resistant, partially because I thought they were going to judge me (in which case, I just kept quiet and just listened to what was going on and occasionally put in my two cents) or they were going to not like me off the bat and then it would be awkward and horrible to be in their presence. But there’s the thing: am I possessive and didn’t even realize it? Do I like just having that one person with me so much that the thought of me being with them and some of their friends turns me off? Of course, people act differently when they’re around their friends… that’s normal.
I’m not certain. I hate this doubt that lives inside me, the lack of surety. You know, I do the group thing anyway, even though I don’t like it. Just like I meet other people and really don’t feel comfortable doing so. Because I know I have to as a social being. I’ve never fancied myself a people person and in fact, I feel more comfortable amongst strangers lots of times than with people I know, particularly in a group environment. Like the Google party I went to with Herman… I was cool. I didn’t know a whole lot of people, and the ones I knew, I was cool with (which were only a few). The nervousness, the awkward feeling that I have… this has to go. I can’t operate like this in the world. How can I possibly create relationships with people, friends or otherwise, with this sense of dread that lives in me?
I’m okay with doing it anyway, no matter if I like it or not, especially if something is good for me. I just wonder if I’ll ever grow to like any of this. Maybe I’ve been alone so long, it’s all I’m comfortable with. There is the argument… I don’t have to be alone; I’ve got my friends. I’ve got a lot to learn about being a GOOD friend. I should take some lessons from some people….