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Inconsistency

Day 2 of the Advanced wasn’t as bad as the first day. We wasted a fair amount of time because our group wasn’t whole. And what I’ve gotten so far from what we did is that I’m inconsistent. VERY inconsistent. I am strong for everyone else, supportive for everyone else, but I don’t do it for myself. And IF I did, I am only strong for one minute and weak the next. I also don’t come across to others as believing in what I say. It doesn’t matter how much I believe it and how convinced I’m going to do whatever, it’s how convinced the people around me are, how I show up to them. And I didn’t. At all. I wasn’t passionate, I wasn’t convincing, I wasn’t believable. I’m that way all the time in my life, at work, especially in my relationships, with Percell, my mom… perfect strangers, for God’s sake! I should be able to come across to them as strong in my conviction! I know who I need to be, and that’s not weak or overcome with fear of failure or disappointing others. I have to be strong inside and not cave in at the first sign of badness. I have to be strong in my integrity and conviction, truly believe that I am here to create a better world and show it.

This isn’t supposed to be easy and I don’t want it to be. There’s no value in not experiencing the struggle so that it stays with you. This is something that is going to stay with me in my life and be real for me because I know who I need to be in order to have the life I desire. I am commited to having that. I deserve that.

2 comments on “Inconsistency
  1. grace on said:

    I’m going to write you another letter today. Hopefully, I can get it in the mail this afternoon or tomorrow. [hugs] No flagellation, y’hear?

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